Why it is so hard for us to accept our bodies? Personally, I exercise regularly, and eat healthy. Usually.

Recently I pulled out some of the eating plans and diet books that I have on my shelf, and have tried over the years: Calorie Counters, South Beach Diet, Green Smoothies, Intuitive Eating, Vegan, Eating 10 Fruits/Veggies, Atkins, Low Carb, No Sugar, Iphone “Lose it”, Cleanses, The Zone, Paleo, and so on.

Then I thought about all of the exercise and fitness programs I have tried: running, biking, swimming, gym, aerobics, dance, sculpting, boot camp, spinning, yoga, pilates, hiking , bar method and pilates- just to name a few!

My friends and clients talk about how we want to lose weight. If only we lost weight, we would be happy. Our pants do not fit like they used to. It is harder now that we are older. Hormonal changes, thyroid issues and metabolism slowing down. If we have children, we blame motherhood for the changes in our body. Many of us do not like how we look, and more importantly we just do not feel good in our bodies.

Some people say it is the media’s influence. Women strive to be thinner because of unrealistic standards we see with celebrities. Some say we have unrealistic expectations especially as we age. I know that I do not have body dysmorphic thoughts. When I look in the mirror, I know I am not overweight or fat. I just think I would feel look and feel better if I were a little smaller. If my pants fit better. That’s all.

If you are going to make behavioral changes, you need to use what works for you personally. I know that as both a psychologist, and as a woman striving to live a healthy lifestyle. I have decided it is time to go back to a no-nonsense approach. What has worked for me over the past 25 years: Eating clean and exercising most days. And, I need social support. I am such an extrovert that I am happier and healthier when I share with friends.

Many nutrition experts say that 80% of how our body looks is related to our nutrition. 10% genetics. 10% exercise. The Eat Clean Diet program by Tosca Reno works best for me. Lean proteins, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, water and limited alcohol. Yes, I can still have my coffee, occasional wine and dark chocolate. Pretty simple.

I know that I am happier when I exercise. A study by the Mayo Clinic found Physical Exercise 3 hours per week reduces stress, fatigue, self doubt, irritability and depression. Fitness Expert, Heather Frey of Smash Fit recommends 3-4 hours per week, but make sure we get our heart rates up. Personally, I know that my mood is so much better when I exercise regularly.

I’m a busy working Mom juggling all of the time. I need to remember “When Mom exercises and is happy… the entire family is happy”. It is important to prioritize taking care of myself, especially since I take care of others the rest of the time. A few months ago, I started a new, intense fitness program called Cross Fit. It is really challenging, and always changing. I have the support of a group exercise class with the personalized attention of  wonderful coaches. And, I have re-committed to Eating Clean more often. I do not have to be perfect, but I do need to be more disciplined!

I am flattered to be the Psychologist Expert in Tosca Reno’s new book coming out September 28th:  Your Best Body Now: Look and Feel Fabulous at Any Age: The Eat Clean Way. Maybe this will help keep me motivated and committed. What about you? Do you eat clean? Exercise? What works for you. We are in this together!

Research by Dr John Gottman has found that couples are more happily married if they have the magic ratio of 5:1 Positive to Negative Interactions. For every ONE disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feeling, they need FIVE positive, affectionate, caring or fun interactions to counter balance it. Conflict is inevitable in long term relationships. You just need to be careful to not allow the conflicts to erode relationship satisfaction.

We always recommend that couples prioritize their relationships. When they are dating or engaged, that means carving out time to have fun together…Especially if they are busy working, studying or wedding planning. When couples are married-with or without children- Having fun together is essential for relationship satisfaction and longevity.

In a New York Times article: “Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples” studies found that just spending time together is not enough for relationship satisfaction. Brain and behavior scientists report that ideally couples need to spend time together around novel and different experiences. “New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine-which are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love”. In an experiment comparing 1) Couples spending 90 minutes per week doing pleasant and familiar activities 2) Couples spending 90 minutes on “exciting” activities that they did not typically do like plays, concerts, hiking and dancing 3) No particular activity, the findings were interesting. Couples that participated in “exciting” date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction.

In our Marriage Prep 101 Workshops, we emphasize the importance of protecting your fun and romantic times from conflict. If you go on a date with your partner, and one of you brings up an area of conflict, we suggest you “Protect your fun time from conflict”. Discuss this approach ahead of time. When one of you starts an argument, the other can remind, “Let’s protect our fun time from conflict”. Agree to discuss the issue or problem in the morning over breakfast. Then take advantage of the opportunity to go out and just enjoy each other’s company.

We have known many couples who have ruined Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, Birthdays because they allowed themselves to indulge in an argument or problem focused conversation. In the beginning of a relationship, you likely had many opportunities to fully enjoy each other’s company. We suggest you recreate those possibilities -No matter how long you have been together.

How important is FUN in your relationships? What do you do for fun together?

When my husband, Patrick and I got married fifteen years ago, we were determined to be a happily married couple with children. Now, what does that even mean? How do we define “happily married”, and what are the most important qualities we want in our long term relationships?

When we started teaching Marriage Prep 101 Workshops ten years ago, we wanted to help other couples strengthen their relationships, be intentional, and learn how to prevent or reduce relationship problems. Since we practice what we teach, we are continually “working” on our own relationship.

Both Patrick and I came from traditional families. Even though my mother worked full time, she had a traditional role defined relationship with my father. As a young girl, I knew that I definitely wanted to be a mother. However, I was not so sure about the “wife” role. In my family, my mother took care of the children, cooking, cleaning, laundry and all other domestic responsibilities. My mom worked full time as a teacher, mother and homemaker. She had little time to take care of herself, friendships or interests outside the home. My dad was responsible for work and managing the finances. My parents spent little time cultivating their own friendship or romantic relationship.

As I grew up, I vowed to be different from my family of origin. I wanted to find and create a relationship that would be egalitarian, loving, interesting and fun. Yes, I was ambitious about marriage. Why not? We are proactive and intentional about our education, career, hobbies and interests. Most things that we are successful at require investment, work and commitment. I felt the same about marriage and family life.

In a New York Times article, “Married (Happily) With Issues” the author, Elizabeth Weil realizes that she has been laissez faire about her marriage. She takes her husband on a journey of marriage improvement with self help books, psychoanalytic couples therapy, marriage class and sex therapy. Unfortunately it seems that this couple did not find the best match in therapists or workshops to help them.

Reasonable goals of couples therapy and workshops are: helping couples grow closer, feel more connected, learn how to resolve conflicts better, develop more empathy and acceptance, highlight strengths, increase positivity, warmth and sense of humor. Research has found that distressed couples wait an average of six years before seeking help. Unfortunately many couples therapists focus too much on problems, conflicts and diagnoses.

I wish they had found a couples therapist or workshop that helped them increase empathy and connection. I hope they will continue to grow in acceptance, kindness, respect and fondness for each other. Couples can improve their relationships with or without professional help. Being intentional, proactive and positive are the early steps to building lifelong relationships.

Some people are discouraged about marriage and relationships. However, I am optimistic that couples can figure out ways to live in harmony. Relationships do not have to be perfect, but they can be “good enough”.

Of all of the things that I have accomplished in my life, my happy, successful marriage is the one I have worked the hardest for, and believe me it is far from perfect! We continue to work on our relationship,  and we imagine that it will be a life long endeavor.

When I celebrated the decision and toasted to equality last night with gay, lesbian and straight friends, my eyes filled with tears. I have been at many weddings over the years, but same sex weddings touch me the most deeply. Many of us take our “right to marry” for granted. However, many gay and lesbian couples have not had that basic right.

Let me share a few stories. I grew up in Toronto, Canada. When I moved to San Francisco, I received a call from a dear friend who told me that he went to a therapist and when he told the therapist that he thought he was gay, she told him that he had unresolved anger towards his father, and they could change his homosexual feelings. I gasped. I could not believe that anyone, especially a therapist, would judge and pathologize someone simply because they love or are attracted to the same sex.

Years later, my male Canadian friend legally married another man in Toronto. They are very involved in the Catholic church, and have adopted two wonderful sons. When he told me he was gay, he also said that he wanted a family, and a house with a white picket fence. He has all of that now. And, most importantly they feel loved, welcomed and accepted.

Meanwhile, I live and work in the San Francisco Bay Area, and my gay and lesbian clients, friends and colleagues have not been able to legally marry.  A few years ago, my husband and I were asked to speak at a Singles Group at a San Francisco church. We were told not to mention divorce or premarital sex, but the final straw was that the church did not want us to mention Marriage Prep 101 website because we overtly welcome same sex couples! In San Francisco? You have to be kidding. They were serious, so we cancelled the speaking engagement, and told them that we believe it is more ”christian” to love and accept everyone.

Most people want the same things from their committed relationships: love, friendship, passion, commitment, intimacy, companionship, fun, support and understanding. When the Prop 8 Decision and Ban on Gay Marriage was Overturned, my sons cheered. They know that their parents support same sex marriage, and they have said, “I don’t get it. Who cares if men want to marry men, and women want to marry women?”. I have no idea who my sons will love in the future. And if they are gay, and want to marry a man, we will love and support them unconditionally.

Please join me in celebrating, and let’s remain optimistic that the decision supporting Equal Rights for All will  be reaffirmed by our Supreme Court. We are all equal. Gay and lesbian people deserve the equal right to marry.