All Licensed Psychologists in California need to take 36 hours of continuing education every two years. Some of my friends and colleagues complain about this requirement, but personally I enjoy opportunities to learn more, and interact with colleagues. I have always been integrative in my theoretical orientation and therapeutic approach with individuals and couples. This year, I enjoyed advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy with Dr Sue Johnson, Science of a Meaningful Life and Positive Psychology Seminars with Dr Dacher Keltner, and many more.

Thirteen years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest son, I took Couples Therapy training with Dr John Gottman. In both my clinical practice and Marriage Prep 101 Workshops, we have used many of his interesting, practical research findings over the years. It seemed like a good time for a refresher and update, so I purchased his DVD Home Study program. I thought I would enjoy the trainings, but I did not anticipate that my son would pick up some relationship tips along the way.

I watched all of the DVDs on a few hot days in July. My electric fan was positioned on me while I drank iced tea and wrote notes. From time to time, my sons would stop by to see how it was going, and when could I go back to the Marin County Fair with them.

One time, my 11 year old son asked me, What are these DVDs actually about? Tell me something you are learning. Hmmm. Sounds like a familiar question. So, I told him about a few of the essential principles of Gottman Couples Therapy Approach.

I emphasized that Drs John and Julie Gottman integrate research findings into their clinical approaches, and studies have found the following:

1) Happily married couples have  5:1 positive to negative interactions.

2) All couples have conflicts, and research has found that 2/3 of problems are perpetual and unresolvable. Couples need to be respectful and creative about handling differences.

3) It is really important to reduce or eliminate hostile behaviors that the Gottmans call, “Horsemen of the  Apocalypse: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling”. Research has found that these hostile behaviors erode marital satisfaction, and even predict divorce.

4) Relationship Repair is essential. Couples need to learn how to make up.

5) When people are really upset (flooded), it is a good idea to breathe and calm themselves down before continuing the discussion.

My son seemed satisfied with my answers. I continued watching the DVDs, and he went to the Fair with his brother and some friends.

However, the next day, we heard the following in our home:

“Mom, Do you really think that you and Dad have 5:1 Positive to Negative Interactions? I am going to start counting”.

Oh dear.

“Dad, You are being critical”.

“Mom, You are being defensive. Don’t distance from me. You are stonewalling”.

“I think I am too upset to clean my room. I need to go on the computer for a while to calm down”.

Seriously? Was he using this newfound wisdom against me? Or do we have an 11 year old Therapist in Training?

My personal favorites were: “I guess we should just agree to disagree”.

“Let’s make up Mom. I don’t want to be upset with you. And it is really important for our health”.

Now, if only my 11 year old son would coach his dad (my husband) a little…