Appreciate Each Other
At times do you feel taken for granted, and not “special” in your relationship?
Sometimes we are not aware that we have an expectation or wish to be appreciated, adored and cherished more…until we are disappointed, hurt or angry.
When I go out with my girlfriends, I often hear a theme of us feeling that our spouses take us for granted. Fortunately many of us are married to good guys who are our friends, our partners and wonderful fathers to our children. However, do we really feel like they appreciate, adore and cherish us? And…is it even reasonable to expect to be adored, cherished and appreciated after all of these years?
When I asked my friends on Twitter, I heard back many passionate responses such as “Not only is it expected, but appreciation is required”; “Love and respect yourself and your partner….and it will be reciprocated” and “I wish I felt that way in my relationship. I just can not imagine”; “No wonder people have affairs…so they aren’t taken for granted and feel appreciated”.
When I ask my husband, Patrick, “Do you really appreciate me?” He says, “Of course I do”. I add, “Really? Sometimes it does not feel that way”.
After teaching 90 Marriage Prep 101 workshops to over the past ten years, Patrick finally knows what I need to hear… “Babe, I always appreciate you. I adore and cherish you. Maybe I need to do a better job conveying that to you”. My fantasy is that my husband will spontaneously grab me, gaze into my eyes and tell me how much he loves me. And, Yes after fifteen years together, I still need to coach him to do so. I have the fantasy that he will pursue me like he did when we were dating. I ask myself is that a reasonable expectation?
In an article in the New York Times Magazine, “What do Women Want?“, a study found that many women “wish to be an object of erotic desire” and want a partner who is a “caveman who is caring.. who will throw them up against the wall, but not endanger them”. Yeah, that sounds pretty good to many of us!
In the book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate“, Gary Chapman writes about the five main ways that we like to be loved. Choices include: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch and Words of Appreciation. How do you prefer to be loved? What about your partner or other important people in your life? Are you showing them love in the ways that they want to be loved? Are they showing you love in the ways that you want and need?
It is no surprise that I prefer to be loved with “Physical Touch” and “Words of Appreciation”. My husband, on the other hand is an “Act of Service” guy. He feels most loved when I make him dinner or clean out the garage. I feel loved when he passionately tells me how much he appreciates and cherishes me, and how he can not live without me. It is not his nature as an Irish Catholic New Yorker man, yet he is working on becoming my Latin lover, and little changes go a long way with me.
Please do not take each other for granted. Rather than focus on the problems of your relationship, try showing appreciation of each other. You may have better results!
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Yes, we who wish to be adored & cherished usually do need to remind our loving husband, don’t we? Sometimes we have to literally put the words into his mouth, Assuming we’ve chosen a good man, he’ll try to remember, although it’s not naturally coming from within him. However, just as women often don’t awaken into their sex drive until they’re actually in the midst of lovemaking, it is during sexual activity that men can most easily learn to make the emotional connection we women crave. Tantric sex provides a framework for a style of lovemaking that delivers on its promise of love.
Hi Michelle~ your website looks great! I enjoyed the article and understand what happens when couples do not take the time to cherish and adore. Being on the other side of marriage gives singles the opportunity to see how we might set up expectations and boundaries for ourselves and our next relationship for better success.
Hello Michelle,
I need to feel adored,cherished,warm and fuzzy outside of the bedroom more frequently in order to be receptive to my husbands affection in the bedroom. I think men forget that the “lovemaking” actually starts many hours/days leading up to any intimate moments in bed. It is not good enough to begin any sort of display of affection/adornment right before any kind of lovemaking activity. It doesn’t make me feel very connected to my husband if he has been starving me of love and affection and then suddenly out of the blue he wants to have sex with me and then begins to be be affectionate. Feeling love, cherished and adored is a state that needs to be sustained to weather bumps in a marriage.
Hannah
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times always with the same person.” Mignon McLaughlin
I’m certainly no expert in these matters, and I defer to people like Michelle who are. But, I think the quote above sums up how I feel about this topic. It takes work to make a marriage successful, and you have to commit yourself to the work. When you do, the rewards are unimaginable!
My wife and I just celebrated our 22nd anniversary and we’re looking forward to the next 22 years and more! What are some of the ways in which I fall in love with her each day? I exchanged some of these ideas with Michelle via Twitter. Here are a few that I like the best:
- Always say I love you. Never miss an opportunity.
- Focus on little things . . . for example, I love bringing my wife her first cup of coffee each morning while she is still in bed. It’s a tiny little thing that we do, but we spend those early morning hours together, just enjoying each others’ company
- Hug and cuddle . . . a lot! I love hugging my wife. Before she leaves to go to work, we hug and hold the hug to a count of 100. It’s the very best part of my day. Also, take naps together and just cuddle!
- Remember birthdays, anniversaries, and cherish every moment you have together. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on fancy dinners or lavish gifts. Pizza and wine over candlelight can be very romantic! The best gift you can provide is a gift of yourself. Offer a back rub or foot massage — just show you care.
- Talk to each other and don’t be afraid to share your feelings; your dreams, your fears, your hopes. Cherish each other.
- Cherish the imperfections in each other. We’re not perfect. We’re human. We’re like fine Italian leather. Enjoy and revel in the cracks and lines. It’s part of the mosaic! I love the little tilt in my wife’s nose. She might consider it to be an imperfection, but I love it.
Anyway, as I said, I am not an expert at it, and we’ve had our challenges over the years, but I can tell you that I love my wife as much today as I did when we married 22 years ago.
Peace!
Fred
Hi there. We need some help. Any contributions would help us toward starting a happy family and having a happy marriage.
http://www.christaandshawnforever.blogspot.com/
Thank you!