All Licensed Psychologists in California need to take 36 hours of continuing education every two years. Some of my friends and colleagues complain about this requirement, but personally I enjoy opportunities to learn more, and interact with colleagues. I have always been integrative in my theoretical orientation and therapeutic approach with individuals and couples. This year, I enjoyed advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy with Dr Sue Johnson, Science of a Meaningful Life and Positive Psychology Seminars with Dr Dacher Keltner, and many more.

Thirteen years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest son, I took Couples Therapy training with Dr John Gottman. In both my clinical practice and Marriage Prep 101 Workshops, we have used many of his interesting, practical research findings over the years. It seemed like a good time for a refresher and update, so I purchased his DVD Home Study program. I thought I would enjoy the trainings, but I did not anticipate that my son would pick up some relationship tips along the way.

I watched all of the DVDs on a few hot days in July. My electric fan was positioned on me while I drank iced tea and wrote notes. From time to time, my sons would stop by to see how it was going, and when could I go back to the Marin County Fair with them.

One time, my 11 year old son asked me, What are these DVDs actually about? Tell me something you are learning. Hmmm. Sounds like a familiar question. So, I told him about a few of the essential principles of Gottman Couples Therapy Approach.

I emphasized that Drs John and Julie Gottman integrate research findings into their clinical approaches, and studies have found the following:

1) Happily married couples have  5:1 positive to negative interactions.

2) All couples have conflicts, and research has found that 2/3 of problems are perpetual and unresolvable. Couples need to be respectful and creative about handling differences.

3) It is really important to reduce or eliminate hostile behaviors that the Gottmans call, “Horsemen of the  Apocalypse: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling”. Research has found that these hostile behaviors erode marital satisfaction, and even predict divorce.

4) Relationship Repair is essential. Couples need to learn how to make up.

5) When people are really upset (flooded), it is a good idea to breathe and calm themselves down before continuing the discussion.

My son seemed satisfied with my answers. I continued watching the DVDs, and he went to the Fair with his brother and some friends.

However, the next day, we heard the following in our home:

“Mom, Do you really think that you and Dad have 5:1 Positive to Negative Interactions? I am going to start counting”.

Oh dear.

“Dad, You are being critical”.

“Mom, You are being defensive. Don’t distance from me. You are stonewalling”.

“I think I am too upset to clean my room. I need to go on the computer for a while to calm down”.

Seriously? Was he using this newfound wisdom against me? Or do we have an 11 year old Therapist in Training?

My personal favorites were: “I guess we should just agree to disagree”.

“Let’s make up Mom. I don’t want to be upset with you. And it is really important for our health”.

Now, if only my 11 year old son would coach his dad (my husband) a little…

Are you taking care of your emotional and physical wellness?

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Grab a cup of tea or coffee, and a pad of paper and pen.

Let’s create a Wellness Plan together.  Feel free to share with your friends.

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At times do you feel taken for granted, and not “special” in your relationship?

Sometimes we are not aware that we have an expectation or wish to be appreciated, adored and cherished more…until we are disappointed, hurt or angry.

When I go out with my girlfriends, I often hear a theme of us feeling that our spouses take us for granted. Fortunately many of us are married to good guys who are our friends, our partners and wonderful fathers to our children. However, do we really feel like they appreciate, adore and cherish us? And…is it even reasonable to expect to be adored, cherished and appreciated after all of these years?

When I asked my friends on Twitter, I heard back many passionate responses such as “Not only is it expected, but appreciation is required”; “Love and respect yourself and your partner….and it will be reciprocated” and “I wish I felt that way in my relationship. I just can not imagine”; “No wonder people have affairs…so they aren’t taken for granted and feel appreciated”.

When I ask my husband, Patrick, “Do you really appreciate me?” He says, “Of course I do”. I add, “Really? Sometimes it does not feel that way”.

After teaching 90  Marriage Prep 101 workshops to over the past ten years, Patrick finally knows what I need to hear… “Babe, I always appreciate you. I adore and cherish you. Maybe I need to do a better job conveying that to you”. My fantasy is that my husband will spontaneously grab me, gaze into my eyes and tell me how much he loves me. And, Yes after fifteen years together, I still need to coach him to do so. I have the fantasy that he will pursue me like he did when we were dating. I ask myself is that a reasonable expectation?

In an article in the New York Times Magazine, “What do Women Want?“, a study found that many women “wish to be an object of erotic desire” and want a partner who is a “caveman who is caring.. who will throw them up against the wall, but not endanger them”. Yeah, that sounds pretty good to many of us!

In the book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate“, Gary Chapman writes about the five main ways that we like to be loved. Choices include: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch and Words of Appreciation. How do you prefer to be loved? What about your partner or other important people in your life? Are you showing them love in the ways that they want to be loved? Are they showing you love in the ways that you want and need?

It is no surprise that I prefer to be loved with “Physical Touch” and “Words of Appreciation”. My husband, on the other hand is an “Act of Service” guy. He feels most loved when I make him dinner or clean out the garage. I feel loved when he passionately tells me how much he appreciates and cherishes me, and how he can not live without me. It is not his nature as an Irish Catholic New Yorker man, yet he is working on becoming my Latin lover, and little changes go a long way with me.

Please do not take each other for granted. Rather than focus on the problems of your relationship, try showing appreciation of each other. You may have better results!

For more ideas about proactive, healthy living join the community at  “Prevention Not Prescriptions” on The Kathleen Show.

Research has found that successful relationships, more than any other factor, contribute the most to our happiness. Fifty percent of people report that they want to spend more time with family and friends. Many people say that they would like closer friendships, more friends, and more reciprocal friendships, in addition to more time with current friends. Do you have a hard time making new friends? Do you pursue or initiate getting together with your friends more than they do? Do you feel like you give more than normal? Are you shy or anxious about being open and authentic with your friends?

If you want your friendships to grow, perhaps you need to be proactive and invest in them even more.

Many people I know report that we do not enough have time for friends, especially if we are busy with careers, partners or families. Keep in mind that small, but regular commitments can go a long way. Please consider: Weekly exercise/walk/yoga date with a friend; Monthly dinner date with a friend; Weekly phone call with a friend; Take a weekend class with a friend; What about a commitment to an annual Girls Weekend away? (even if that means just one night away!)

Spend More Time
Social Psychology studies show that “Proximity Leads to Liking”. So, spending more face to face time together really does make a difference in growing friendships. If you are someone who likes to exercise, what about asking a friend to join you in your exercise commitment? Running, walking, yoga or exercise classes with a friend is a great way to combine friendship time with fitness. If you like to read books, what about asking a friend to read the same book as you and have your very own private book club? How about asking a friend to do volunteer work with you? Yes, people are busy, but we need to prioritize our time with friends if we want them to become a more integral, satisfying aspect of our lives.

Be the Initiator
Many times friendships need to be given a chance to see if they will grow. Try increasing the amount of interaction you have with a friend. Let them know how much you appreciate spending time with them. Hopefully it will be mutual. Some of us are planners who like to initiate, organize and invite others. There is nothing wrong with you being a planner or pursuer. Often those people with the most satisfying friendships describe themselves as willing to invite often even if it is not reciprocated. So what if you call or email more often? Does your friend accept your invitations, and appear to have fun with you? Forget about keeping score. Maybe you are better at getting together, and your friend is better at something else. I find it helpful to accept that in many of my friendships, I am the organizer and the one who make things happen.

Take Emotional Risks
Do you take any emotional risks with your friends? Do you keep conversations casual and lighthearted? Do you let your friends know about your history, background, challenges and successes? Take a risk this year with a friend or two, and share some things that are more private and deeper. Let them know ahead of time if it is difficult for you, but that you would like to be more open and revealing with friends. Sharing private information deepens our emotional connection, intimacy and closeness.

Imagine the kind of friendships that you would like to have in your life. How important are friends to you?  How can you be more proactive about your friendships?